Scared for him

For the past three semesters, I have been a section leader to small groups of freshmen (last fall and spring) and sophomores (this fall). We almost always start class with an icebreaker, Roses and Thorns. We go around the classroom, and everyone shares a Rose (highlight of their week) and a Thorn (a low point of the week). Most of my students like starting with their Rose and ending on the Thorn. I've always been a firm believer in starting with the bad and ending with the good -- leaves a better taste in your mouth, you know? Same deal with my food. I never start with dessert, for starters. I always eat my least-favorite food first, and my most favorite last -- the best flavor should linger the longest, in my opinion.

I'm breaking that principle for today. Going to start with the good and end with the not-so-good, because it just feels wrong to go about it the other way.

Rose:
So, today. It's been a good day so far. I had a class at 9:30am -- I almost always fall asleep in this class/constantly nod off, but today I managed to stay awake for all but 5 minutes (out of 75), which is pretty impressive, considering. We got out at 10:45, so I went to the pre-med advising office to hang out with the staff there. I got to meet Nick's bulldog, OC -- she's adorable! I always bought into the bulldog stereotype, because I was raised to be a bit wary of dogs in the first place (my mom's not a fan, so I'd never even petted one until I came to college), but she's one of the sweetest dogs I've ever met. As Nick put it, "She's more likely to lick you to death than to ever bite you." So true. She's only six months old, but she's already a decent size.

After that, I headed back to my apartment around 12:15pm. On Thursdays, I always have a break from 10:45am-3:15pm, but I usually spend it at our campus Coffee Bar doing work, but I didn't feel like it today. The class I had at 3:15 is the one I'm a section leader for; one of my really good friends is an SL for that class, too, and conveniently had a break from 12:15-3:15 as well! And she lives in our apt complex, so we decided to hang out until we had to go back to campus -- I rarely see her anymore except for Thursdays (section leading) and Tuesdays (she's on my Gemstone team, so I see her at our weekly team meetings). She came over, we did some prep work for class, watched the halves of two episodes of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and made scrambled eggs+milk+pasta sauce+cheese (delicious, I promise) for lunch. Then we headed to campus for class.

Class was fun -- I love the team I work with, so I actually look forward to teaching, which helps. After class, we went and got coffee (discount b/c it was Cappi Hour, lol) -- tall white mocha. We're going to the gym together in half an hour, and then watching last week's premier of USA's White Collar at midnight tonight, which we've both been wanting to see for ages (yes the premier was just last week, but they've been previewing it for weeks incessantly). Tomorrow night is a Halloween party at her place, then Saturday night is one at her roommate's boyfriend's place. Promises to be a good time, I guess.

Thorn:
So, the not-so-good news. All of a sudden, over the past two days (today, yesterday), my grandfather has forgotten how to go to the bathroom, is the best way I know how to put it. He's been going to the bathroom in his clothes/bed/other places that are not the bathroom. From what my mom was saying, he can't wrap his head around how to use a toilet/bathroom anymore, which is scary.

The other downside to it is, my parents have been cleaning up after him for the past two days, and it's wearing on them, too. My mom cleaned him, his bed, and the house up before sending him on his way to the senior center and leaving for work herself yesterday morning. Her initial theory was that they don't usually give him a sleeping pill, but they had for the first time the night before, so maybe he was still disoriented and it was a one-time thing.

He did it again that evening, when my dad was home, but before my mom got home. My dad went kind of deer-in-headlights, he had no idea what to do, but he was cleaning up until my mom came home and started helping him. My grandfather was kind of oblivious to what was going on, and my parents were exhausted, but hoping it was just a fluke.

But it happened again today, twice, while my dad was working from home. They probably can't send him to the senior center tomorrow, which means they need someone at home, so I'll probably be taking the 6am bus home tomorrow morning. I have no idea how to handle the situation =x And they haven't had time yet to get him diapers or anything.

I don't mean to sound selfish or anything =/ I just... I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. This whole situation seems so surreal. I've been scanning through old photos a lot over the past couple of weeks, because I've been playing with a new version of my photo organizing software. I was looking through pictures from our family vacations from 2007, 2006, 2004. He looked so fit and happy. What happened? Where did he go? On an academic level, I know the general scientific answers to these questions as well as anyone. On an emotional level, I can't get it straight in my head. I'm confused, and bewildered, and overwhelmed by the changes he's gone through, even though I only see him on the weekends; I talk to him and/or hear about him from my mother every day. I'm probably not making any sense, but neither does this in my head.

I don't know ____. You could put many words/phrases in that blank, and most of them would be true. I miss my grandfather, so much, even though he's right here.